If you’ve traveled to another country or gone anywhere in the outdoors, you’ve probably heard of giardia. Supposedly Civilizations settlers brought this crap over from Europe or somewhere, since giardia seems to foster best in densely populated areas of domestic cows. Thanks to these assholes (the settlers, not the cows) this flagellated protozoan parasite known as Giardia lamblia, (AKA “the runs,” “the shits,” and my favorite; “Beaver Fever“), lives in almost every water source in the United States. It generally spreads by tricking someone into eating the poop of another infected creature… which leads me to think that giardia sounds like Mother Nature telling civilization to, and not in the figurative sense, “eat shit and die.”
The Shittiness of Giardia
Beaver Fever has several ways of getting inside your gutsājust the perfect spot it needs to throw a poo-poo party. The quickest and easiest way to get this party started involves you drinking water with giardia contaminated poop, such as water with contaminated beavers; hence, Beaver Fever. Second on our list we have eating things that have shit rubbed all over them. Mmmmm, tasty! Thirdly we have… possibly the worst thing imaginable… plain old shit-eating. EeeeeeeW! I feel my stomach turning over just thinking about giardia!
Grossed out yet? Thank Civilization.
Preventing Giardia
Anywho. I think we can all agree that none of us want giardia (mostly because of the embarrassment of getting labeled “shit eater” by our friends). So how can we avoid it? Step one seems fairly obvious; stop eating shit! Step two; avoid drinking water that appears contaminated. Personally, I just assume it has giardia in it these days if it does not come from a tap, or a natural spring… and even then… Step three, boil boil boil the shit out of that water! If you do drink water from a creek or wherever, boil or purify it with some other means. I find this important with or without giardia. So many chemicals and other water borne parasites exist these days (all thanks to civilization).
Symptoms
“How do I know if I’ve got it?” Let’s just say you’ll know. Several weeks after “accidentally” eating contaminated feces, you’ll begin to experience stomach pains, nausea, loud obnoxious farts, and have lots and lots and lots of diarrhea. However, many people, I call them freaks, do not have symptoms when they get giardia.
Curing Giardia
“I’ve got giardia, what do I do?” Shh. Don’t say it out loud! Go to the doctor to make sure. If this happens post-apocalyptically, you can do a few things. Drink tons more water (and a lot less shit). Giardia causes diarrhea, which will make you dehydrated, so keep those fluids coming, and make sure you purify it… and do it right this time! And please, for all of us, wash your hands. Oh, I almost forgot. Avoid anal play during sex. 
To get rid of giardia, doctors can prescribe several drugs. If you want to get all primitive (and you live in the NW) you can make a tea from Oregon Grape root bark. You’ll need quite a bit. Drink it for a long time after your symptoms have gone away, just to make sure it won’t come back.
Current Questions:
1. What other herbs can heal Giardia?
2. Why do some people not have symptoms?
3. Will we ever drink water from creeks without having to worry about giardia and other such civilized nonsense?
*I wrote this article in e-prime. Please inform me if you find a verb “to be” or any Aristolian bullshit.*
Book Sources
Rabies, Lyme Disease, Hanta Virus and Other Animal-Bourne Diseases in the United States and Canada
Web Sources
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Giardia_lamblia
http://www.cdc.gov/ncidod/dpd/parasites/giardiasis/factsht_giardia.htm
http://microbewiki.kenyon.edu/index.php/Giardia
http://www.ryandrum.com/Devilsclub.htm
http://health.howstuffworks.com/oregon-grape-herbal-remedies.htm
this is a fucking masterpiece, scout. you had me at the title, but you brought me home with each new paragraph. hell, i think you even made me breakfast in the morning before kicking me out the front door.
not only is it fucking hilarious, it’s really informative. i just read elpel’s take on giardia not too long ago in Participating in Nature and it had me worried. boiling is definitely the top priority for killing these single-cell fuckers.
i also remember reading in In the Wake some really good (if more complex) methods for purifying water.
the thing that worries me is chemical pollution. you can’t just boil that out. and if you’re on the go chasing game and forageables across the landscape, do you have to take a solar still with you in order to drink safely?
Funny stuff.
Rix, how about collecting morning and evening dew (not in a field of shit). I wonder how long it would take to sop up a pint with a t-shirt. I should try that.
A direct question for you to answer : Aristolian, what does…pardon me, nearly forgot where I had surfed… what the feraking fuck does that mean? I kinna find it in the book with the words.
Oh, and no ‘Be-Be’s baby! Excellence!
Hey Scout,
There’s a plant called “wormwood.” Apparently this plant offers a natural cure for Giardia, intestinal worms, and the like. I’ve seen in listed in several reputable sources. check it out if you haven’t already. peace
-sean
Are you suggesting that I stop eating shit?
This shit business sucks! I got giardia from some dirty fuckers I met a month ago. They kept talking about going to Mexico and partying on weelends. Thanks asshole, you’re propably one of those freaks who don’t show any symptoms and obviously don’t wash your hands after wiping. I’m gonna throw you onto oncoming traffic next time I see you fuckface!
I’m living in hell! I have been having severe pains for 4 weeks, lost 20 pounds so far which puts me at 135 for a 5′10″ guy. Move over Kate Moss, there’s a new kid in town. I don’t have the runs, actually haven’t laid a log in 5 days. My bowels seem to hold the shit back for a few days and release all at once. Record that as a new symptom in the books.
I read up on the net about certain parasited feeding off carbs and sugars in your gut, so I switched to straight protein and I felt better immediately, but it went south about 3 days later, but it’s still better than when I was on toast and rice diet. The carbs seemed to blow me up me even more and cause me to throw up more. My GI doc thinks it’s bullshit and I can eat everything, but I know what worked for my body.
Even on vicodin I still toss and turn at nights from the pains. Those electric hot pads kinda work in taking the pain away though; thanks doc.
Allright, I’ve rambled enough. Don’t get giardia folks, stay safe and healthy!
Raffi
SEVEN years ago I went to Ecuador and was careful not to drink the water (or even brush my teeth with it!). One day, we had the great idea of going rafting - oops, swallowed a HUGE gulp of water. After that I had TERRIBLE diarrhea (in a hacienda that turned off the water at night nonetheless). Well, my stomach has never been the same since. I went to doctor after doctor and I was eventually prescribed Paxil….yes, PAXIL! They said I just had IBS and a nervous stomach. Here we are seven years later and one hell of a ride getting on and then OFF paxil…but I finally had a stool test done (don’t know why they didn’t do this in the first place) and lo and behold, I have Giardia (and have had it for SEVEN freakin years!). So, as far as remedies, wormwood, black walnut, and cloves. Plus a good antioxidant to flush them all out when they die. Just started this today…we’ll see how it goes.
That is crazy! Seven fucking years. Goddam. I’m so sorry. Let us know how it turns out!
thank you. very nice and relavent title. Also, thank you for keeping things to a simple, yet informitive tone. Very practical