It helps me a lot to hug everyone all the time. It’s better than candy. And rolling on the ground. Being very sensual, is very boosting! Sensing when you wake up: this linen is so soft! And I can touch the wall and it feels so cool! And it’s cold outside. And it’s warm by the fire and soft on the pelt! And here is my friend and I kiss her. I like that. Sensuality over rationality.

I think it’s never so bad to be really sad, as long as one is not lonely. Like 22-Pistepirkko (Finnish band) sing:

Here comes my darling
saying hello you
hey, why you look so worried?
what’s a-wrong with you?

I felt something evil
lying in my room
it makes me really scared,
don’t you feel it too?

I know it don’t really matter
does it really matter
if we go insane my darling
will we always be together?
does it really matter
if we go insane my darling

Also thinking that how this world is completely absurd is funny. And crying together often ends up in laughing together.

Very recently, my grandfather committed suicide, and I’m still confused, sad, and even angry about it. I can understand having thoughts of suicide, but actually going through with it is very difficult, especially when thinking about your friends and family who love you dearly. It then occurred to me that since I’ve recently learned more about the rewilding movement, I now have this drive to keep on with the rewilding and whatever I gotta do for the sake of the earth, even if that means the little things I can do.

I very much understand how it feels when you see people who dismiss the reality of what their prized civilization is doing to the world, when I was younger the anger and depression I had was based around endangered species, and when you talk about the effect of those emotions becoming physical as well, like grief, I’ve felt that too. It fucking pisses me off that polititians like Sarah Palin and others in our country are working to make it legal to kill off wolves and bears so they can have more animals to hunt for sport… I can understand that people hunt for food, but a lot of it is actually for tourism and sport, and it makes me so sad that people can actually be so selfish, it seems almost heartless to me, or like they have disconnected themselves from what it means to be a living thing on this planet. I don’t want to get too far into that, or I’ll completely lose track.

What I really want to say to you is that I am so grateful that you even do this rewilding stuff, following your heart, and when I was talking about the recent realizition I had after my grandfather’s suicide was that when topics of despair arise, I feel that following my heart to rewild is the best solution of all. In fact, now I feel a drive inside to rewild, it feels so right. I think that even if you do have to work a shit job and don’t have time to follow your heart to your content, you may at least be able to do some of it, or at least enough to hang on.

Thanks for all the awesome stuff you do, Urban Scout, it truly means a lot!

Earth the shaman, Earth the fool, Earth, the most entire and sublime joker in the ultimate subversion, subverted deadness, made life out of laughing gas and quickened creatures from slow rain, made puns of the galaxies on the spiral of a snail. She was the oridginal anarchist wit who cracked the first joke, which split the sides of the moon and, roaring with a dirty laugh fit to soil herself with good brown muck, said the first word-F*%K!-again and again. Earth the nomad, Earth the maened, Earth the shaman, Earth the clown in boots too big, walks the wild way, the curly way, curling the stars, on, on, in fecund riot and feral grace” Wild, an elemental journey; Jay Griffiths.

Urban Scout, rewilding has resulted in me feeling alive again, listening to Molly Strand’s cello reconnected me with that essence, what a priviledge to be part of it all,

“And even if Earth were home to just one iridescent dragonfly for just one morning, reeling one waltz over just one stream, it would still be enough, the flicker of grace. But life gives more: another dragonfly, another stream, another pitcher plant, another Mozart. Life gives it extra, just for fun. Generous, promiscuous, have another one.

Earth, self-created, born of self-will and stardust, made her self-willed way her own, the aboriginal I Am. Wilful and subversive planet that she is, grinning into the dark, roaring out her rebel yell, Earth is the rebel against the whole damn (solar) system; Earth, protesting against vacuum, in riot and revolt, throws her knickers at the space police. Wildness is subversive and Comedy’s a rebel angel: Earth itself the ultimate wild comedian.” Jay Griffiths, Wild

For me meaning has been realising that, despite all the assertions of this culture I’m embedded in, there is a human way of being in this world that is bt nature deeply fulfilling, that there are languages that reflect this, stories that keep this, aboriginal songlines that navigate it. self-willed, free, with deep love of imtimate knowledge of and connection to land-base, and a deep sense of belonging to the community of things, deep respect. that is my capoeira, just knowing it exists/has existed seems enough.

Depression occurs when your conscious and subconscious views of reality, or what needs done, differ.

If you’re really at the point of suicide - I think the best way to do it is to take all those hundred things or risks that most people won’t do for fear of losing something. I mean, if you’re gonna end it all anyways, what have you got to lose? The amazing part is, when you completely give up, somehow you still keep living. And often enough, living better.

I’m not sure about this but it kinda seems like there are more people
now than ten or twenty years ago who understand what this “lovely”
civilisation is all about. And if that is really the case then it’s
good news. You know, twenty years ago there were maybe one person out of 500 000 whose eyes were open, and now perhaps it’s one in
100 000…No…I’m kidding, I have no clue how many there are.

But really though, I’m quite sure we are growing in numbers and in percentage of population. You all must have heard of how, once an individual in a species starts doing something for the first time in their history, this new behaviour spreads even among the same species in other parts of the world, where they have never had any contact. Whatever the explanation is, bottom line is it WORKS !

We CAN organize, we can re-learn how to relate to each other so we can eventually live peacefully and harmoniously with All Life, we can
get stronger, and the stronger we get the easier it gets for others
young and old to find themselves too. THE DRUMS ARE THUNDERIN !!!!

Misko

Personally I feel like suicide is a weak thing to do in the face of such monsters in the world. The system and its proponents/beneficiaries don’t give two shits about the masses and their feelings. We help them out by killing ourselves, and for the more evil bastards out there, it amuses/pleases them. Even the masses don’t give two shits about each other most days.

This might sound extreme, but I don’t care, my thoughts ARE extreme many times: Until I commit homicide on a number of corrupt/powerful/destructive entities, I will never commit suicide.

What good am I doing by simply ending my own life? I mean, when you’re that low in spirits that you will commit suicide, then you might as well try doing something ELSE very drastic before you end your life and therefore your ability to do ANYTHING more. I mean, why not just up and run away to some random land? Start a new life? There are a million things in life that we haven’t experienced, peaceful or not, so why not just throw yourself into an extreme situation before you commit suicide? That’s the way I personally look at it.

Also, and I may eat these words someday, but as dreary as the world may get, I will always be very curious to watch it unfold for as long as I can. There will always be events to look forward to being alive for, and that’s another major blockade to any serious intentions of suicide. It’s in our nature to be curious, even when we’re desperately depressed, and I feel like it’d be a waste not to just bear witness to the world’s flux for as long as it will sustain you.

I totally agree! I think that “suicide” is actually this culture murdering innocent people. I like your idea of using that as a motivating war cry. I feel that.

It seems to me that if everyone (human) on this planet would feel something like you all shared here, it would be the end of this aberration aka civilization. But…

In the “mean” time, you all are encouraging and inspiring.

I’ve survived my times of close to constant depression, and this to me is a GREAT victory.

One of the major things that almost completely put an end to my abysmal depression was the night I realized that if I did for example
blow a hole thru my head, “I” would be doing “their” dirty job, while they would feel sooooh sorry for me and my close ones that I “just” couldn’t adapt to society…

Well, that was like a tremendous war cry!
Now, “they” were gonna have to deal with me for possibly a LOOOONG
effin time !!!! I was gonna die fightin and fightin them !!
F*** TH** !!!!

One of their tactics is exactly this; to make us feel overwhelmingly
unable to do anything, to the point of killing ourselves.

I STRONGLY urge you all to NOT fall for their trick(s) !!

Misko

“If nothing we do matters then all that matters is what we do.”
– Angel (the TV series)

It’s fucked up, but it helps me to put things into perspective by thinking about how many humans have been and will be, and how none of them will even know I existed. Sometimes I tempt myself to stick around just to see the Malthusian catastrophe; just so I know I was right. We are young, and so many HUGE things will happen in our lives: the end of oil, the population crash, resource wars for water, air, and land… My oh my, what have we done to this planet?

Then I think how nature couldn’t care less. As much as I deplore the extinction of the last salmon in the Pacific Northwestern US or the Passenger Pigeons of the 19th century… nature couldn’t care less. Nature isn’t evil or good; it’s indifferent.

Hopefully telling my girlfriend I will not have kids, own a car, work for a big corporation, blah, blah, blah will not prove to be pointless in the long run, because it sure causes a lot of problems in the short run.

Take care, guys…

Alan

i can only offer my solidarity. i too experience this excruciating pain which refuses to go away any more.

hoping that the end game which has already started moves faster, then there would be more to do, till then we can only hope that there will be a tomorrow which will be better and sustainable.

rock on…

I see that you are writing again, filming, back at work rewilding and talking about it on the radio, so I hope that means you are feeling better. I read all these caring comments, and it’s so good to see people having a place where they can be honest with each other, admit not doing well, and share their understanding with each other. It’s always good to find out you are not alone when you think you are.

I hope the sunshine is helping; I hope the darkness has passed for now, in more ways than one. I hope everyone who posted here is feeling pretty good today, and that we can all enter a more positive time as spring gives way to summer.

Best,
Esther

PS - You talked in my son’s class five years ago, not seven. He didn’t take film till he was senior. I got my kids mixed up….

But you know, stories of peak oil, global warming, asteroids hitting the earth, a new ice age, etc. don’t really bother me. Same as the possibility of a nuclear armageddon, the existence of a petty god who might take it all away, or nature suddenly ending it all on a whim. I’m past worrying about things that I can’t control or have an influence on.

What really bothers me is the daily repression, dictation and sabotage that comes from people who are supposed to be supportive of your efforts and wishes - ie. friends and family. What bothers me is that these people will consciously stop someone else from carrying out plans that will enable them to live closer to how they feel they need to so that they can finally respect themselves, instead of living someone else’s shitty idea of a life.

That’s the cause of my deep-seated unhappiness and depression, I’m sure of it.

Anyway, hang in there (shit, and I said that I didn’t have any advice) - we appreciate what you’re doin’.

take care