Your wrote: “I also think that folks should be made aware of this guilt so that if they decide to abandon the Kamana Program or any of the core routines, rather than thinking, “I didn’t have what it takes. Why can’t I make the commitment? I’m such a loser!” they’ll think, “My life is not organized for these routines. Does my heart think I should reorganize my life, or is the work I am doing what my heart wants me to do?” I have a hard time believing that everyones heart is going to tell them to change their whole lives around so they can be more like Stalking Wolf. It takes all kinds. We need it all. There is nothing wrong or bad about someone whose heart tells them they need to live in a way that would make it impossible to have Stalking Wolfs awareness. But if they believe this ideal over what their own heart is telling them (as I and many others have believed), they will feel guilty. Why? Oh yeah, cause if they’re not trying to reach Stalking Wolf awareness then they’re just part of the “mindless grey masses,” as Tom Brown calls them.”

I think this is a very important statement. Laying all the guilt from failure on your own shoulders can be very paralyzing. I remember when I first read ISHMAEL, by Daniel Quinn. One of the points that Ishmael made clear was that the problem wasn’t so much with me but with the culture I’m a part of. This realization was so refreshing to me that I cried.

My interest stems from the fact that your guilt reactions are very similar to my own–especially when I was in the throws of Christianity, trying to live a perfect life. I had never seen that level of guilt outside of the context of religion. This blog, however, really summed it up in getting to the root of the problem: it’s a matter of unrealistic comparison. Whether it’s Christ or Stalking Wolf or Tom Brown or anyone whose life and accomplishments are set as the ultimate example, when you try to “keep your eyes on the prize” and push through and stay committed, you stop being realistic about your own life.

I apologize if it seems like I’m trying to threadjack this post and make it a rant about religion. I’m not. I’m simply trying to analyze the impact of guilt and how it stems from the “deification”, if you will, of a recognized or imposed deity and the “path” to living like that deity.

Scout and Willem, you both make excellent points about the most realistic ways to get beyond the guilt wall. That everything must be taken in context of ones own place in life, that not all things are pertinent to the moment, and even if they are, that the community should be helping you beyond or through or into the wall rather than berating you for the fact that your wall exists. My best experiences in Christianity were when I encountered individuals (as mentors or as cohorts) who were willing to debunk the myth of “if you can’t do this regimented thing, then you’re a failure” and help me look at my situation from a truer perspective.

Unfortunately, those individuals are rare. I assume they are as rare in the tracker community as they are in religious communities. It takes a lot of maturity to be able to take a more balanced perspective and say “Maybe this path isn’t your path. Find your path and follow that.” To most followers in any context, there can only be one path of “be like Christ, be like Stalking Wolf.”

Even if there are “mindless grey masses”, I think anyone who is being mindful is already in a mass of a different color or not in any mass at all. You’re right: it takes all kinds. [Insert cheesy, yet appropriate, “rainbow” metaphor here.]

And it continues…I’ve believed for a long time that though a Tracker or Kamana advocate says you need “commitment” to get through the wall of grief, we actually need love. Family. Support. Duh, right? And “the wall” of grief begins when and where we start truly empathizing and continues as long as we do so, to death and beyond if we choose. In fact, getting “through” the wall of grief has a lot more to do with learning to live with constant grief, to live “within” this wall, and celebrating it, cause christ at least we can feel something worthwhile and real, with our family, friends, and village supporting us. Calling it a wall at this point starts to seem as absurd as calling an entire bioregion ‘a wall’.

Some have noticed that walls appear whenever we wish to bang our head against something that we don’t want.

If a wall exists in this case, it exists between us and the willingness to grieve properly.